Vacation

A lot of stuff has happened in the last month.

• I put the shop on vacation.
• I finished my first semester of college.
• Bear had his very first last day of school.
• So many appointments.
• Husband came home for two weeks of R&R.

Back in May, I had a sale over on my Instagram account that didn't go over so well. A lot of paintings were posted at a discount, and only a handful of people bought anything. I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't bum me out, because it did. But I also learned a lot from it.

After the sale, I put the shop on a very much needed vacation. I was getting burned out, so I took a break. I'm really glad I did, because I have had the opportunity to fine tune some designs and practice some other things.

The shop is opening back up this week, and I'm really excited about it. I've opened an account over on Society6 to sell some of my designs, and they'll be available as shirts, coffee mugs, and even shower curtains, if you're feeling quirky enough.

I've also made changes to the way custom paintings are ordered, in an effort to make things a bit more streamlined. I love the way that Etsy has added little options in the listing, and it will really help me be a bit more organized.

Also in May, I finished my first semester of college. Between January and May, I took 6 classes. Out of all of them, my lowest grade was a B. I'm so proud of myself for following my dreams, even though some days all I want to do is cry from the stress. I'm taking one class during the summer semester to give myself a bit of a break, and I'll go back up to my normal amount in September. I'm hoping that by taking an extra class or two during the summer semesters, I'll be able to finish up my Associate's degree a bit early, but only time will tell.

Bear also had his very first last day of school. He has learned so much since starting preschool back in January, and I cannot be any more proud of him. He has the sweetest little personality. He's done with school until late August/early September, but he and Sper still have speech and occupational therapy twice a week.

 We have also (finally) got the ball rolling on ABA therapy for Bear. ABA is an in-home behavioral therapy that is very common for children with Autism to have. It helps with dealing with stress, changes in plans and environment, and other everyday things. We are very excited to be doing this, as we've waited over a year to hear back from our case workers.

Sper has been going to the audiologist once a month since for the last 6 months. There are some anomalies in his middle ear that may be affecting his hearing. It's really hard to tell, though, because every time we go in to get his hearing tested, he ends up screaming and fighting with the audiologist. We have to figure out some plans for Bear and then get an ABR test for Sper, and hopefully then we will know for sure what we will have to do from there.

We also had Husband home for two weeks for R&R (Rest and Relaxation). He got to come home because his deployment is longer than the average deployment. It was so nice to have him home. I loved having the extra hands to help with the house and the boys and the appointments. We arranged his R&R so that he would be home for our 5th anniversary.

 

We went to the Oceanside Pier, ate lunch at Ruby's Diner, went to the Mechanized Museum on base, watched movies at home and at the theater, went on walks, played games, visited the stables and saw ponies, and generally enjoyed having him home.

 

The biggest and coolest thing we did, though, was go down to San Diego and get tattoos. They are written in Elder Futhark, the runes that the Norse/Viking people used to write with. It reads "Come What May," which have been the words that we as a couple and a family have lived by basically since we met. (We got the words from the film "Moulin Rouge!" And here.) We have plans to make it a larger piece on each of our arms, each with meaning for us individually and as a couple.

We took him back to the airport last week. It's been rough readjusting to having him gone. Lots of tantrums, trouble sleeping, and all-around grumpiness has been had by all. But we've passed milestones in this deployment. Once things get busy again for us, the time will fly and then we'll be welcoming him home for good. (Well, not for GOOD good. But he'll be home for a while.)

I can't wait have him home, to get back to school full time, to have the shop open and selling again. I plan on taking full advantage of every opportunity I am given, and without everyone in my life being supportive and caring, I would not have them. Thank you!

Rough Weeks

If I were one to lie, I would say that this week has been pretty smooth sailing.

Unfortunately, I don't like lying, even if it means coming clean about the fact that I've spent more time this week crying than not.

I've got a lot on my plate, and I don't get a day off. My day to day schedule looks like this:

-Wake up and take Bear to preschool

-Do homework while Sper eats breakfast and plays 

-Pick Bear up from preschool

-Lunch and playtime with the boys

-On Wednesdays, nap time is pushed back a couple of hours so that the boys can go to speech and occupational therapy

-During nap time, I clean and, if my homework is all caught up, I work on orders and talk to Husband on Skype 

-After naps, the boys get to watch a show while I get dinner ready and clean

-Dinner, baths, and more cleaning or homework

-After the boys are down for the night, I work on orders and finish any homework I have

-Fridays are a bit better, since Bear doesn't have preschool, but I do have to take them to therapy still

All of this, with errands and shopping and appointments mixed in. The weekends are best because I don't have to go anywhere.

With all of this, I'm surprised that I haven't broken down before now. But I did. I ended up calling Husband at midnight my time crying. 

I've been so incredibly blessed this deployment. I get to talk to my husband almost everyday, schedules are mostly  predictable, I'm able to go to school, and my business has been picking up. No one has been seriously sick or injured since we came home from Utah, and my boys are angels (they're toddlers, though). 

Sometimes it gets to be too much. I wonder if I've taken on too many projects, if I need to cancel some appointments, extend production time. I've actually stepped back from a few things because the thought of doing that, too, has sent me into a full-fledged panic attack.

I'm so thankful that I have such a good support system of friends and family that I can talk to when it gets to be too much. I even have a place to escape to when I need a façade of me time. Everyone needs someone to support them, even in the tiniest ways. It really is a good thing.

Valentine

I don't know about you, but I've never really been a huge fan of Valentine's day. I always complained, sighed, groaned, and rolled my eyes when February rolled around.

Of course, that was before I met Tay. Our first "vday" together was nothing memorable. (I was 2 months pregnant and he was in school and working...I literally don't remember it.) Our second vday was spent apart, since he was in tech school in California while Bear and I were in South Carolina. From 3,000 miles away, Tay sent me the BIGGEST teddy bear I've ever seen, and I got super dressed up for myself. Bear and I went out shopping and got me some Starbucks, beginning a cute little tradition.

The next year was spent apart again, this time with Tay deployed. Bear and I (4 months pregnant this time) spent the day shopping and drinking Starbucks (he got hot cocoa) and had pizza for dinner. I got flowers from Tay that made me a hormonal mess.

Last year was nothing special. I took the boys for Starbucks/hot cocoa and shopping, and we ordered a pizza. (Or went out, I can't remember. Pizza was definitely involved.) Tay worked, but was home that night. It was a normal night. (I will admit I was upset that I didn't get a gift. For as much as I complain, it had become expected and anticipated.)

Vday this year has been awesome. As per tradition, I took the boys out for coffee and cocoa (not Starbucks this year because there is not a drive through in Oceanside) and shopping. I got a gorgeous necklace this year from Tay, as well as an amazing surprise when I got home. I got to Skype with him for a bit, too. 

I still dislike how commercial everything about vday is, and how much it's pushed. But I love having three amazing guys in my life to celebrate it with in our own unique ways.

(And, yes, I do get Tay something every year. He always gets a card and candy and something obnoxiously covered in glitter, as well as cheesy and slightly inappropriate vday cards on his facebook page. This year I got us matching tags for his keychain/my necklace.)

(Both my necklace and the tags are from Spiffing Jewelry.)

Playing Catch-Up (AKA Photo Overload)

I suck so badly at this whole blogging thing. I just have a hard time sitting down and writing here when I have so much other stuff I like doing. I like doing this, too, though. Sigh.

Anywho.

What's been happening here at 314:

We celebrated the Winter Solstice (also known as Yule) on December 22. I made the boys gifts, made a delicious meal, and we got dressed up and spent the shortest day of the year outside.

For Christmas, the boys got some pretty rad stuff from their grandparents, aunties, and uncle.

My littlest sister came and stayed with us for a week (including New Year's Eve). We had fun hanging out and going to the beach and the mall.

We got our family photos done. They were taken on cell phones, but hey, they're cute.

Bear started preschool!

Husband left for deployment in January. He will be gone for 12+ months.*

Less than a week after Husband deployed, my sisters and I (and the boys) drove to Utah for almost a week to be with our dad, who was in the ICU.*

That's what has been happening with us so far. Hopefully I will be able to sit down and start writing here at least once a week (that's the goal).

*Future posts coming soon.

A Thankful Heart

November was a good month, all things considered. 

I remember last year that I did the 30 Days of Thankful challenge on Facebook. I remember feeling truly thankful for every single thing I posted, but I wondered why being thankful had to be limited to one month. 

This year, I decided to write this post. There is a never ending list of things I am thankful for every day, and a watered down FB status just didn't feel right.

I am thankful for my husband, without whom I would not be the person I am today. He is my biggest supporter in everything I do, he is my best friend, and he is the one person I know I can count on regardless of the situation.

We have been through so much in just 5 years; we have had our problems, and we have always overcome them. There is nobody I would rather have by my side in life. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He is an amazing man, Marine, husband, and father.

I am also thankful for my baby boys. They are my little rays of sunshine. I know that no matter what, I just have to look at their little faces and my day will be instantly better.

Bear is my little geek-in-the-making. His enthusiasm for the things he loves is infectious. He has a hard time with a lot of things, but he is doing better everyday. His progress is so inspiring, and it is that progress that helps him be a carefree little preschooler at times. He starts preschool soon, and I can't wait to see how much further he comes. 

 

Sper is just a squishy little ball of love. He learns so much every day, and his excitement upon seeing me makes my heart swell. He is getting too big and it makes me sad that he is no longer my Tiny Boy, but I would rather he grow and learn and be healthy than keep him a tiny little newborn. 

I am thankful for my parents and my in-laws. They have done so much for me, have helped us out so much, and there are literally no words I can use to express how grateful I am for them. I am truly blessed to have them in our lives, and I am lucky to have such a good relationship with all of them.

I am thankful for Bear's therapists. Between his speech and occupational therapies, Bear has grown and learned so much this last year. Holli, Jen, Marilyn, Susan, Jenny, and Marissa have done so much for him. I know that things would be completely different for us if these six women had not been in his life.

I'm thankful for all of my siblings (in-laws included!). There are so many of them, and each one has had such an impact on my life. They have always been there, and I know that if I ever needed help, they'd be there for us, just as I hope they know that we'd be there for them.

Lastly, I am thankful for my friends. Whether I know you in real life or not, I love each and every single one of you. I know I'm not the best when it comes to communicating and staying in touch, but that never means that I'm not here if you need me. Every single one has a special place in my heart.

There are more things that I am thankful for, of course, but I feel like people are more important than things. I would still be me without my phone and computer, but I know that I would be at a loss without any single one of these people.

Thank you for everything.

Progress

In the six months that we have lived here in Oceanside, a lot of progress has been made, both with individually and in the family as a whole.

It's been rough, but we are pushing through everyday. I will never claim that our lives are difficult, but we do have our challenges. Little things add up and take their toll. But we stay positive, we choose happy, we rise above.

Bear starts preschool in less than a month. We are going to start working with him on separation and transitioning during work time (therapy). He talks more and uses his hands more efficiantly, we are working on soothing techniques and self-stimulation. He loves and looks forward to seeing his therapists, learns new words every single day, and is learning how to be more expressive. 

Sper walks now! He toddles everywhere, a bottle usually hanging out of his mouth. He loves eating, and can finger feed himself. He uses simple words like "baba," "ni-ni," "mama," "dada," "nana," can shake his head no when he doesn't want something, gives kisses, bonks heads, and loves playing with his toys. 

Husband and I are doing better, too, and are learning to handle our emotions better. We have our bad days like everyone else, and we are far from perfect, but we love each other, and that's what matters in the end. We had a date night this past weekend (we went and saw Thor: The Dark World) and it was an amazing two hours to ourselves. It was also the first movie we got to see in a theater in two years. (I am forever grateful for my parents and sister for keeping an eye on two very fussy babies.)

As for my personal progress, I feel like I am doing so much better everyday. I'm a very emotionally-driven person, and I know that shows a lot, but I'm trying to be less angry about things that upset me. I've learned to get mad, get over it, and move on. I'm bettering myself and rising above all of the negativity I see and experience, and it is such an amazing feeling.

Progress is an ongoing thing. There are always things to improve upon, and I will never stop.

Friends and Animals (or, We Went to the Zoo)

Last Tuesday was a great day. After 4 extremely long years, I finally got to see one of my very best friends. It was so great, because in the 5 years since I graduated high school, I've only seen a handful of my friends. And the fact that they were able to come visit? Even better.

6 1/2 years difference.

Here we are, getting ready to go to our Junior Prom (2007), and the night they got here. Not too much has changed, and I was so thankful for that. (Sometimes it breaks my heart to see how much people have changed since the last time I saw them. I understand that they are discovering who they are, but I miss the person I knew growing up.)

Wyatt and his boyfriend Alex spent the week going to the beach, Disneyland, Aquarium of the Pacific, and on Saturday, they took us to the zoo. I was so thankful, and excited (giraffes!).

Sper was so unimpressed with everything that day.

Alex (left) and Wyatt being adorable.

Bear and Husband loved seeing the animals together.

Bear sat here for a good ten minutes with Turtle.

Me and Wyatt.

This was my favorite part of the whole day.

I really loved having them here. I miss them already, and can't wait until I get to visit them again. This was Wyatt's first time in California, so I was super happy that I could be a part of that.

Bear loved having them here, as well. He called them his "People." (That's what he calls visitors that are around often enough to make an impression on him, but not often enough that he knows their names.) He has been so sad since they left, and keeps asking for them.

Bear and Wyatt watching Monster's Inc.

All in all, it was a really good week, and it was just the thing I needed to lift my spirits up.

Any of my other friends want to come visit? We'd love to have you! (Hint, hint!)

Reminders

It's been a long two weeks. I've spent the better part of the time forcing myself to smile, to be strong, to be happy. My boys are very empathetic, and when I'm upset, so are they. And when I'm upset, the last thing I want is two very upset toddlers.

But I've been noticing that I'm forcing myself less. I am actually happy, and I'm not going to lie: it scares me.

I am scared because I don't want to forget what happened. I don't want to lose the memory of my tiny little Rowan Emory, even though I never got to meet them.

I am still working on my tribute painting, but I don't know when it will be finished. So I decided I would get a second tribute made for me.

Enter Spiffing Jewelry. 

website - etsy - facebook

I bought Husband's anniversary gift from them and was so impressed by their customer service skills, the quality of their products, and the fact that had so many options for me. I worked with Gretchen from the Spiffing Team to get my piece absolutely perfect, and placed the order last week.

I got my ring today. It is so beautiful, and exactly what I imagined. Gretchen helped me pick out the font, and the name of it, Little Love, is so fitting. (It's really hard to capture the full text with an iPhone camera, but I tried.)

In the near future, I am going to be ordering two more rings with Bear and Sper's names on them to stack with Rowan's. I honestly can't wait to work with Spiffing again. They do some amazing work.

I find myself opening my sketchbook to look at Rowan's name quite often, and now all I have to do is look down at my hand. It makes my heart full to bursting to know that there are people like Annie and Gretchen and the rest of SJ to bring smiles to heartbroken people.

-L

PS: Husband and I would like to say thank you to everyone for their positive thoughts and prayers. It means so much to us to know that you care.

Suffering, Coping, Healing

Back in December of last year, Husband and I began to discuss babies. We had always wanted three children, relatively close in age (18-30 months apart was ideal for us).

We decided that if we weren't pregnant in six months, we would stop trying, get ourselves healthier, and revisit the subject at a later day.

So, in January of this year, we started trying for a baby. And for five months, we got nothing. Then, on July 13, there it was. The thing we had waited to see for months: a positive test.

I had resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't going to happen, so when I saw the results, I was a little shocked. I remained that way for two days. And then the excitement came.

We decided with this baby that we were going to keep the pregnancy to ourselves for a while. This was different for us, as with both of our boys we told everyone right away. I loved having this secret. I spent hours coming up with different ways of telling our friends and family, imagining how everyone would react at being kept in the dark for so long.

On July 20, I woke up ready to run errands with my family. Everything was normal, except I spent the morning hugging the toilet bowl. Morning sickness so early in the pregnancy was unusual for me, but I didn't think too much about it as I finished getting ready.

We left, did what we had to do, and got lunch. As we were about to head home, I convinced Husband to stop by Kohl's so we could look at baby clothes. I loved having an excuse to look at the tiny little dresses and pants outfits and jammies. The more I looked around, the more excited I got. 

On the way home, I started feeling uncomfortable. There was an awkward tightness in my tummy, and I felt nauseous again. When I got home, I went to the bathroom and immediately began freaking out.

I was bleeding.

Without skipping a beat, Husband packed us all back up and took me to the emergency room. I was admitted, had a bunch of blood taken for tests, and then I waited. 

When the doctor finally came in, he was very sweet. He asked me how I was feeling (scared), and if I knew what was going on (no). We then performed a pelvic exam and did a bedside ultrasound.

I remember looking at the screen and breathing a small sigh of relief at seeing the teeny tiny little baby. It was still too early to hear the heartbeat, but the doctor said the fact that we could see it, and that everything looked normal (except for the bleeding), it was a good sign.

He diagnosed me with having a threatened miscarriage, ordered bed and pelvic rest, and sent me home. He told me that if things didn't change that he would be back on Tuesday if I wanted to come in and get everything checked again. He also told me to come in if anything got worse.

I was confined to the couch or the bed. Husband made sure the boys were taken care of, the house was cleaned, and that I was resting. When I fell asleep that night, nothing had changed.

I spent most of the morning on Sunday in the bath. I had started having mild cramping, and had told myself if it didn't get better by two, that I would go back to the ER. At around one, it abated, so I relaxed a little bit. I picked up a book and started reading.

I hadn't even finished the first chapter when I felt a large twinge, not unlike a contraction, and the immediate need to go to the bathroom. When I did, I realized what had happened.

I lost our baby.

The rest of the day is pretty hazy. I remember screaming for Husband. I remember driving myself to the ER so that he could stay home with the boys. I remember tests and ultrasounds and being told by three different sources that I had, indeed, miscarried. I remember coming home and feeling so upset that I couldn't cry, feeling like I had let Husband down, feeling numb.

Husband's bosses let him stay home with me for two days while I recovered. The boys seemed to know that something was wrong, and they were very sweet to me.

I've had a hard time processing it. I can't sleep at night, I feel like there's a part of me missing. I cry during nap time before passing out from exhaustion. It's like I'm still in shock.

We decided that we needed a little bit of closure. On Saturday, before everything had gone wrong, a name had popped into my head that I loved, so we decided to name our lost baby.

Rowan Emory Bohman

I hate that I'll never know if Rowan was a boy or a girl. I hate that I wasn't able to get a copy of the sonogram. I hate that I wasn't able to grow a healthy baby.

But I'm coping with the loss. It's hard, and I cry a lot. I've been avoiding Husband a lot, but he understands why. We both are having a difficult time with this.

Before I decided to write this, only a handful of people knew: our parents, his bosses, my Insanity coach, and a couple of friends. I've been debating about this for a couple of days, because I don't want pity, but I do want people to know.

I decided that I wanted something tangible that would remind us of Rowan. So I picked up my pencils and began drawing again.

It's far from done. I eventually want to put it on watercolor paper and add color to it.  I need to find a good pen to use, as well. But being able to produce a good first draft like this has really helped me.

My boys have also been a bright spot in this otherwise hellish week. 

These two are a constant reminder that, even though I am suffering, there is always sunlight behind the clouds.

I am forever grateful for them and for Husband.

I know I'll get through this, but it will take time. Everyone heals in different ways. But I will heal. And I will remember Rowan, even though I only knew them for a short time.

See you someday, baby.