Playing Catch-Up (AKA Photo Overload)

I suck so badly at this whole blogging thing. I just have a hard time sitting down and writing here when I have so much other stuff I like doing. I like doing this, too, though. Sigh.

Anywho.

What's been happening here at 314:

We celebrated the Winter Solstice (also known as Yule) on December 22. I made the boys gifts, made a delicious meal, and we got dressed up and spent the shortest day of the year outside.

For Christmas, the boys got some pretty rad stuff from their grandparents, aunties, and uncle.

My littlest sister came and stayed with us for a week (including New Year's Eve). We had fun hanging out and going to the beach and the mall.

We got our family photos done. They were taken on cell phones, but hey, they're cute.

Bear started preschool!

Husband left for deployment in January. He will be gone for 12+ months.*

Less than a week after Husband deployed, my sisters and I (and the boys) drove to Utah for almost a week to be with our dad, who was in the ICU.*

That's what has been happening with us so far. Hopefully I will be able to sit down and start writing here at least once a week (that's the goal).

*Future posts coming soon.

A Thankful Heart

November was a good month, all things considered. 

I remember last year that I did the 30 Days of Thankful challenge on Facebook. I remember feeling truly thankful for every single thing I posted, but I wondered why being thankful had to be limited to one month. 

This year, I decided to write this post. There is a never ending list of things I am thankful for every day, and a watered down FB status just didn't feel right.

I am thankful for my husband, without whom I would not be the person I am today. He is my biggest supporter in everything I do, he is my best friend, and he is the one person I know I can count on regardless of the situation.

We have been through so much in just 5 years; we have had our problems, and we have always overcome them. There is nobody I would rather have by my side in life. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He is an amazing man, Marine, husband, and father.

I am also thankful for my baby boys. They are my little rays of sunshine. I know that no matter what, I just have to look at their little faces and my day will be instantly better.

Bear is my little geek-in-the-making. His enthusiasm for the things he loves is infectious. He has a hard time with a lot of things, but he is doing better everyday. His progress is so inspiring, and it is that progress that helps him be a carefree little preschooler at times. He starts preschool soon, and I can't wait to see how much further he comes. 

 

Sper is just a squishy little ball of love. He learns so much every day, and his excitement upon seeing me makes my heart swell. He is getting too big and it makes me sad that he is no longer my Tiny Boy, but I would rather he grow and learn and be healthy than keep him a tiny little newborn. 

I am thankful for my parents and my in-laws. They have done so much for me, have helped us out so much, and there are literally no words I can use to express how grateful I am for them. I am truly blessed to have them in our lives, and I am lucky to have such a good relationship with all of them.

I am thankful for Bear's therapists. Between his speech and occupational therapies, Bear has grown and learned so much this last year. Holli, Jen, Marilyn, Susan, Jenny, and Marissa have done so much for him. I know that things would be completely different for us if these six women had not been in his life.

I'm thankful for all of my siblings (in-laws included!). There are so many of them, and each one has had such an impact on my life. They have always been there, and I know that if I ever needed help, they'd be there for us, just as I hope they know that we'd be there for them.

Lastly, I am thankful for my friends. Whether I know you in real life or not, I love each and every single one of you. I know I'm not the best when it comes to communicating and staying in touch, but that never means that I'm not here if you need me. Every single one has a special place in my heart.

There are more things that I am thankful for, of course, but I feel like people are more important than things. I would still be me without my phone and computer, but I know that I would be at a loss without any single one of these people.

Thank you for everything.

Progress

In the six months that we have lived here in Oceanside, a lot of progress has been made, both with individually and in the family as a whole.

It's been rough, but we are pushing through everyday. I will never claim that our lives are difficult, but we do have our challenges. Little things add up and take their toll. But we stay positive, we choose happy, we rise above.

Bear starts preschool in less than a month. We are going to start working with him on separation and transitioning during work time (therapy). He talks more and uses his hands more efficiantly, we are working on soothing techniques and self-stimulation. He loves and looks forward to seeing his therapists, learns new words every single day, and is learning how to be more expressive. 

Sper walks now! He toddles everywhere, a bottle usually hanging out of his mouth. He loves eating, and can finger feed himself. He uses simple words like "baba," "ni-ni," "mama," "dada," "nana," can shake his head no when he doesn't want something, gives kisses, bonks heads, and loves playing with his toys. 

Husband and I are doing better, too, and are learning to handle our emotions better. We have our bad days like everyone else, and we are far from perfect, but we love each other, and that's what matters in the end. We had a date night this past weekend (we went and saw Thor: The Dark World) and it was an amazing two hours to ourselves. It was also the first movie we got to see in a theater in two years. (I am forever grateful for my parents and sister for keeping an eye on two very fussy babies.)

As for my personal progress, I feel like I am doing so much better everyday. I'm a very emotionally-driven person, and I know that shows a lot, but I'm trying to be less angry about things that upset me. I've learned to get mad, get over it, and move on. I'm bettering myself and rising above all of the negativity I see and experience, and it is such an amazing feeling.

Progress is an ongoing thing. There are always things to improve upon, and I will never stop.

Fall Is In the Air

It feels like time has just flown by this summer. I have been so busy with the family and personal stuff that by the time I actually think about blogging, it's midnight and I have to get up and start all over in the morning.

Now that it's fall, though, I can feel the world slowing down. Things are getting a bit cooler, I'm busting out my scarf collection, and that magical flavor has returned. 

Yes, I'm talking about pumpkin.

If you follow me on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, you may have noticed my hashtag: pumpkinspiceeverything. I'm serious about it, too. Drinks, pancakes, bread, cookies, cakes, pie, coffee syrup, candles, body spray. I love pumpkin.

I started the season off with a pumpkin spice frappuccino and pumpkin bread from Starbucks (of course). It was like the heavens opened up and the angels sang their little hearts out.

 

(I also bought the new album from The Civil Wars. It's absolutely brilliant. Go buy it.)

I followed that by several more pumpkin spice drinks before busting out the canned pumpkin. The first thing I made was pumpkin spice cookies with my own little twist, and they were fabulous. The next was pumpkin spice French toast.

I wasn't able to get a picture of that, and I am so sad, but I definitely will next time I make it.

Pumpkin flavored breakfasts are a big hit at 314, so of course I had to make another one. On Saturday, I brainstormed a bit before coming up with this beauty.

Husband gave this a 9/10. This is seriously only the third thing he has ever rated this high, and we have been together for almost 5 years. That must tell you how good these are.

Pumpkin Spice Pancakes

2 1/2 C self-rising flour

1 C milk

1 C canned pumpkin

2 eggs

1/3 C honey

1/4 C brown sugar

1 TBS pumpkin pie spice 

-Using a whisk, mix all the ingredients together until blended.

-On a well-buttered griddle, pour out pancakes 1/4 C at a time.

-Cook on each side until golden brown and fluffy.

I served mine with warm maple syrup and chocolate chips.

I hope y'all enjoy these! Feel free to stop in the comments and tell me how you liked them!

-L

Friends and Animals (or, We Went to the Zoo)

Last Tuesday was a great day. After 4 extremely long years, I finally got to see one of my very best friends. It was so great, because in the 5 years since I graduated high school, I've only seen a handful of my friends. And the fact that they were able to come visit? Even better.

6 1/2 years difference.

Here we are, getting ready to go to our Junior Prom (2007), and the night they got here. Not too much has changed, and I was so thankful for that. (Sometimes it breaks my heart to see how much people have changed since the last time I saw them. I understand that they are discovering who they are, but I miss the person I knew growing up.)

Wyatt and his boyfriend Alex spent the week going to the beach, Disneyland, Aquarium of the Pacific, and on Saturday, they took us to the zoo. I was so thankful, and excited (giraffes!).

Sper was so unimpressed with everything that day.

Alex (left) and Wyatt being adorable.

Bear and Husband loved seeing the animals together.

Bear sat here for a good ten minutes with Turtle.

Me and Wyatt.

This was my favorite part of the whole day.

I really loved having them here. I miss them already, and can't wait until I get to visit them again. This was Wyatt's first time in California, so I was super happy that I could be a part of that.

Bear loved having them here, as well. He called them his "People." (That's what he calls visitors that are around often enough to make an impression on him, but not often enough that he knows their names.) He has been so sad since they left, and keeps asking for them.

Bear and Wyatt watching Monster's Inc.

All in all, it was a really good week, and it was just the thing I needed to lift my spirits up.

Any of my other friends want to come visit? We'd love to have you! (Hint, hint!)

Reminders

It's been a long two weeks. I've spent the better part of the time forcing myself to smile, to be strong, to be happy. My boys are very empathetic, and when I'm upset, so are they. And when I'm upset, the last thing I want is two very upset toddlers.

But I've been noticing that I'm forcing myself less. I am actually happy, and I'm not going to lie: it scares me.

I am scared because I don't want to forget what happened. I don't want to lose the memory of my tiny little Rowan Emory, even though I never got to meet them.

I am still working on my tribute painting, but I don't know when it will be finished. So I decided I would get a second tribute made for me.

Enter Spiffing Jewelry. 

website - etsy - facebook

I bought Husband's anniversary gift from them and was so impressed by their customer service skills, the quality of their products, and the fact that had so many options for me. I worked with Gretchen from the Spiffing Team to get my piece absolutely perfect, and placed the order last week.

I got my ring today. It is so beautiful, and exactly what I imagined. Gretchen helped me pick out the font, and the name of it, Little Love, is so fitting. (It's really hard to capture the full text with an iPhone camera, but I tried.)

In the near future, I am going to be ordering two more rings with Bear and Sper's names on them to stack with Rowan's. I honestly can't wait to work with Spiffing again. They do some amazing work.

I find myself opening my sketchbook to look at Rowan's name quite often, and now all I have to do is look down at my hand. It makes my heart full to bursting to know that there are people like Annie and Gretchen and the rest of SJ to bring smiles to heartbroken people.

-L

PS: Husband and I would like to say thank you to everyone for their positive thoughts and prayers. It means so much to us to know that you care.

Suffering, Coping, Healing

Back in December of last year, Husband and I began to discuss babies. We had always wanted three children, relatively close in age (18-30 months apart was ideal for us).

We decided that if we weren't pregnant in six months, we would stop trying, get ourselves healthier, and revisit the subject at a later day.

So, in January of this year, we started trying for a baby. And for five months, we got nothing. Then, on July 13, there it was. The thing we had waited to see for months: a positive test.

I had resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't going to happen, so when I saw the results, I was a little shocked. I remained that way for two days. And then the excitement came.

We decided with this baby that we were going to keep the pregnancy to ourselves for a while. This was different for us, as with both of our boys we told everyone right away. I loved having this secret. I spent hours coming up with different ways of telling our friends and family, imagining how everyone would react at being kept in the dark for so long.

On July 20, I woke up ready to run errands with my family. Everything was normal, except I spent the morning hugging the toilet bowl. Morning sickness so early in the pregnancy was unusual for me, but I didn't think too much about it as I finished getting ready.

We left, did what we had to do, and got lunch. As we were about to head home, I convinced Husband to stop by Kohl's so we could look at baby clothes. I loved having an excuse to look at the tiny little dresses and pants outfits and jammies. The more I looked around, the more excited I got. 

On the way home, I started feeling uncomfortable. There was an awkward tightness in my tummy, and I felt nauseous again. When I got home, I went to the bathroom and immediately began freaking out.

I was bleeding.

Without skipping a beat, Husband packed us all back up and took me to the emergency room. I was admitted, had a bunch of blood taken for tests, and then I waited. 

When the doctor finally came in, he was very sweet. He asked me how I was feeling (scared), and if I knew what was going on (no). We then performed a pelvic exam and did a bedside ultrasound.

I remember looking at the screen and breathing a small sigh of relief at seeing the teeny tiny little baby. It was still too early to hear the heartbeat, but the doctor said the fact that we could see it, and that everything looked normal (except for the bleeding), it was a good sign.

He diagnosed me with having a threatened miscarriage, ordered bed and pelvic rest, and sent me home. He told me that if things didn't change that he would be back on Tuesday if I wanted to come in and get everything checked again. He also told me to come in if anything got worse.

I was confined to the couch or the bed. Husband made sure the boys were taken care of, the house was cleaned, and that I was resting. When I fell asleep that night, nothing had changed.

I spent most of the morning on Sunday in the bath. I had started having mild cramping, and had told myself if it didn't get better by two, that I would go back to the ER. At around one, it abated, so I relaxed a little bit. I picked up a book and started reading.

I hadn't even finished the first chapter when I felt a large twinge, not unlike a contraction, and the immediate need to go to the bathroom. When I did, I realized what had happened.

I lost our baby.

The rest of the day is pretty hazy. I remember screaming for Husband. I remember driving myself to the ER so that he could stay home with the boys. I remember tests and ultrasounds and being told by three different sources that I had, indeed, miscarried. I remember coming home and feeling so upset that I couldn't cry, feeling like I had let Husband down, feeling numb.

Husband's bosses let him stay home with me for two days while I recovered. The boys seemed to know that something was wrong, and they were very sweet to me.

I've had a hard time processing it. I can't sleep at night, I feel like there's a part of me missing. I cry during nap time before passing out from exhaustion. It's like I'm still in shock.

We decided that we needed a little bit of closure. On Saturday, before everything had gone wrong, a name had popped into my head that I loved, so we decided to name our lost baby.

Rowan Emory Bohman

I hate that I'll never know if Rowan was a boy or a girl. I hate that I wasn't able to get a copy of the sonogram. I hate that I wasn't able to grow a healthy baby.

But I'm coping with the loss. It's hard, and I cry a lot. I've been avoiding Husband a lot, but he understands why. We both are having a difficult time with this.

Before I decided to write this, only a handful of people knew: our parents, his bosses, my Insanity coach, and a couple of friends. I've been debating about this for a couple of days, because I don't want pity, but I do want people to know.

I decided that I wanted something tangible that would remind us of Rowan. So I picked up my pencils and began drawing again.

It's far from done. I eventually want to put it on watercolor paper and add color to it.  I need to find a good pen to use, as well. But being able to produce a good first draft like this has really helped me.

My boys have also been a bright spot in this otherwise hellish week. 

These two are a constant reminder that, even though I am suffering, there is always sunlight behind the clouds.

I am forever grateful for them and for Husband.

I know I'll get through this, but it will take time. Everyone heals in different ways. But I will heal. And I will remember Rowan, even though I only knew them for a short time.

See you someday, baby.